May 15, 2023
A few weeks ago, I went to the gynecologist to have a check up. My primary concerns were as follows:
It had become uncomfortable, almost painful, to have sex. And in all honesty, its not like my husband and I had been having a lot of it, cancer treatments will suck the sexy out of most situations at the speed of light. But in the off chance that the stars would align, being intimate wasn’t the same. I was warned of this at the outset, especially since the radiation treatments were targeted at the same area as my vagina. But hot damn, I did not want this to be the feeling I would have every time, especially as I get healthier.
Vaginal dryness. As the weeks and months passed and as I underwent more and more treatments, my poor vagina turned into a desert. How could I rehydrate?
Was I in fact in menopause? I had a progesterone IUD placed a year ago during my hysteroscopy with the intent to reduce the chances of more polyps and to stop these heavy menstrual cycles I had been experiencing. So with an IUD, I had no idea what was happening to my body. Had my cycles stopped because of the IUD or because my meno was paused?
A physical exam showed, and I quote, “a sad state.” Further discussion revealed my vagina was atrophic, with smaller and thinner walls, all because of the treatments I endured to rid me of cancer. I was prescribed an estrogen cream to insert 2-3 times a week. This would, over time, help thicken the vagina walls and reduce discomfort with intercourse; however, the answers to the big questions lay in the blood work.
A few days later, my blood work results uploaded into my electronic chart and I had a look. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (luteinizing hormone) values were well into menopausal range. And then I realized that I was well into menopausal range. And I burst into tears.
I cried because at that moment, I felt like less of a woman. I felt like I was robbed of ten more years of what is considered to be femininity and youthfulness. Cancer had already changed so much of my life and this extra burden just didn’t feel fair. Aren’t women supposed to be experiencing the best sexual years of their lives during their forties? Cue the Price Is Right losing music for me on that one.
After a few minutes of crying, I pulled myself together and began to think about this news more logically. First of all, what a stupid name for this phase of life, menopause. ‘Pause’ makes me think something has temporarily stopped, like my cycles were taking a rest, but they would come back. A man must have come up with this name, because nothing about this is temporary. It should be menostop. Welcome to the new phase of woman-hood, ain’t no going back.
As I considered what this really meant, I realized that truly, I am no different. Other than a few hot flashes here and there, not much had changed that couldn’t be supported. My skin is still dewy and fresh, my hair is growing, from the outside nothing looks any different. I can still do all of the things I love, exercising, gardening, and cooking to name a few. No one would actually be the wiser that this shift had taken place. And my attractiveness, femininity, and self worth are not attached to what my reproductive system is up to. Those are all attached to my state of mind. And as far as youthfulness is concerned, I am stronger and healthier today than I was at 22.
My gyne did prescribe me an estrogen patch to help balance things out. Having worn it for just six days I can already tell things are improving. I have discovered a few other products to support my sexual health as well. Check out the detail on the Items page.
Revaree suppositories
Vella Women’s Intimate Elixir
My menstrual cycles are done. And I am doing all that I can to make sure this transition is as easy as possible. Advocating for myself is something that is second nature now. Asking for help was easy and there are sooo many options to get back to feeling better. I am 42, full of youthfulness and femininity. Cue the McFadden & Whitehead, "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now," even if our cycles have.
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